I'm ok, I'm just tired!

So, anyone with depression will know that the title of this post is one of the lies that we love the most.

"Are you alright?"
"Yeah I'm fine, I'm just really tired."

I can't even count the amount of times that I've used this excuse over the years and the amount of times that the asker believed me. No one ever challenged it because people don't know how to handle someone with depression. Its scary for them and I can understand why, there are no rashes, no fever, often no outward signs at all and when people ask what you're feeling and you tell them "nothing" its a pretty sure fire way of shutting down the conversation. Why does no one see past the fake smiles? Why does no one bother trying?

Its so easy to feel alone during depression. This was something I really struggled with, but I didn't realise that I wasn't actually giving anyone the chance to help me. I never talked about it to anyone besides my best friend, who was also suffering from depression. My family was completely in the dark. I think they eventually guessed but I made it so hard for them to approach me or bring it up that they just quit asking. If I could go back now and change just one thing that would be it. I wouldn't change the self harm, I wouldn't even change the depression, but I would let the people who wanted to support me do just that instead of shutting them out. Why do we shut out people when we need them the most?

So go on, go tell someone. Tell your mum or dad, your best friend, your sister, even your school councillor, just make sure it is someone you trust. If you can't say it out loud write a letter and give it to them. Express yourself! As someone with depression I know just how hard that it, but its certainly not impossible! The more you practice the better you will become.

YOU are the key to your own recovery. YOU can do it.

Be brave xx

Me..

So being my first blog post I'm a little bit unsure where to start, but I'm just going to wing it and hope it turns out how it is in my head! I'll start with an introduction. I am a 21 year old female living with depression. Of course that's not the only interesting thing about me and its not how I usually identify myself to people, "Hi, I'm 21 and living with depression, who are you?", but seeing as this blog is about my journey into and out of depression and self harm it seemed appropriate! I also like to go for long walks, I love to read, I love my family and I am passionate about helping others who are going through something similar to what I did.

For a long time I considered myself broken. Too broken to be fixed and certainly too broken to be loved.. or so I thought! I fell into depression when I was 15. It was gradual at first. I just thought I was having a bad day, and then a few bad days and a few bad months and before I knew it I could barely scrape up the energy to get out of bed in the morning. I spent hours just sitting and staring at nothing, unsure if I would ever be able to feel again. It wasn't until I was 20 that I finally realised that I wasn't broken, I was just cracked. Sure some of those cracks seemed more like giant chasms that I would never be able to pull back together but to me cracked could be fixed. A cracked cup will still be useful, it might leak from time to time and it might not work quite as well as it should but it can be fixed. That cracked line, that scar, will always be there but it will no longer be the dominating feature. And that is how I am today, I still have those cracks in my heart, some just filled in, some pulled back together and some still gaping. The scars still sit on my arms, a reminder everyday that I was stronger, that I overcame, that I am BRAVE.

With this blog I hope to heal some of my own wounds by expressing it through words. I also hope that it might help other people battling through the nothingness that is depression and maybe give them the hope and encouragement to keep going. I aim to talk about my own journey, the different tactics I used to cope from day to day, and other issues surrounding this topic. If I can help just one person with their battle, stop just one person from giving up, then it is all worthwhile.

Stay STRONG xx